Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jess' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Saturday, March 15th, 2003
2:14 pm	Papa Don't Preach... Alright...so Michelle has been buggin' me to finally update this here journal...so here it is...the end... lol...just kiddin...Hmmm...what to say...Life is life..I finally have that elusive car that I have been bitchin about in here for months...I bought a brand spankin new 2003 Honda Civic...it is black and it is beautiful...'once you go black you never go back!" And now I am free...well...not really.. I am free to leave my apt when I choose...but now I am once again worried about finances..but it is all well worth it in my book...now all I have to do is find another job to help pay for my new investment..easier said than done...at least my job at Carrabba's is financially helpful...I just got another raise yesterday and a promotion to weekend "call ahead girl"..which basically means I answer a never ending ringing phone and take call aheads...woo hoo...aspirin please! Other than that...I have been taking it easy...I just got over a bought of severe food poisoning...lost a lovely 12 1/2 pounds that I didn't really have to spare...and now I have a fear of fast food...(note to my readers...Arby's is the devil..) I am not the bar hoppin hooch that I once was...not that I was a hooch really...I was just always at the bar searching for that someone special...and I have come to the conclusion that A) I already met her...dated her...and fucked it up...B) already met her and never had the balls to talk to her and now she is gone...or C) the right girl is not in Ohio...I like to stick with option C because then at least I still have hope... In the mean time...I am looking for a new place to live..my lease is up at the end of April and I think Ryan and I have both decided to head are seperate ways...he is looking at New Jersey and Chicago...and I have my sites set on Columbus or perhaps Atlanta...It is time...time to get on with my life..to actually start living again...and I don't think that is possible in Toledo...it is too easy to get trapped here...to become complacent and just settle...I have done that and it sucks...I love my friends here but the way it is now I never really get to see them anyway...besides...I need to stop basing my decisions on the wants and needs of others...I need to do what I need to do... Well shit...I have to run...gotta love working at 3pm to close on a sat ...woo hoo....I HAVE NO LIFE! Perhaps I will check out the bars tonight...put on some weight in alcohol to make up for what I lost...woo knows...I feel like dancin though.. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 16th, 2002
1:45 pm	Holiday Blues.... Eh...I am really not feeling the spirit of christmas today... I think I lost all motivation when I went to the the mall yesterday...Rude angry people everywhere! Someone needs to spark some hint of joy under their asses so they remember the true fuckin spirit of christmas.... I am just really stressed....no time to shop...no car to shop with...and money is tight....not that $$ matters though...I just like finding everyone a special...meaningful something and a lil $$ helps take the stress of that....cause I am not creative enough or do I have the time to individually create something for people...even though I think that would be awesome...Yet at the same time I feel so detached from people that I really don't know what that something special would be to get or make... Oh well..the gifts really don't matter to me anyway...it is the time spent with friends and family that I look forward to...that is what christmas means to me... Like I would love to take out my friends one at a time to dinner or coffee and just talk with them...really talk...see how they are..where they are going...I miss talking with people and somewhat having a sense that I understand and know them as individuals...not just people I go to the bars with...I need that feeling of security with people...knowing that they care about me enough to open up and in turn I can give them the same in return...that is a truly wonderful gift that I will never be able to buy in a store on sale between the hours of 6am and 10am...I just want so much more out of people than they are willing to give...and that makes them difficult to shop for this holiday...everyone is just so different and I have lost touch.. On a lighter note...my bro and Erin are coming into town Friday for our family trip to MI...woo hoo....My aunt and uncle from Chicago and their 3 beautiful cookie cutter girls will be there as well...thank god...I need other people to talk to other than my grandparents who have this amazingly subtle way of putting me down in a flash without any warning at all...Hoepfully it will be a quick trip and I can be back in town to relax with those that I never ever see here...that is my hope... (Comment on this)
Monday, December 9th, 2002
12:22 pm	Another random update My coffee is getting cold..I am low on cigs...and I have gotten so much sleep that my mind is racing due to lack of activity..I am a thinker...I can't help it...I need something to analyze and stir over at all times...otherwise I feel lonely and detached...depressed...or maybe I feel all those things when I think too much....who knows...just one of those days... I just am not feeling like I fit in today...like I have just somehow slipped back into relationships with people without fixing all the underlining shit that caused so much pain not that long ago...I made a promise to myself not to allow anyone to hurt me like that again...yet here I sit as open as a fresh wound...waiting....just waiting for the next person to rub in the salt...optimistic I am not...I just have trust issues..and I know this...I have a wall built up to people from day one that takes enough time as it is to break down...but if you fuck me over after that....I am not sure that I will ever tear down those thick walls... -shame on you if you fooled me once...shame on me if you fooled me twice- that is my attitude...protective...preventative...childish in a way...who knows... I don't know what the point is in this update...nothing bad has happened yet....but at the same time...nothing really good has happened either...I want to grow in my relationships with people...not just remain in one place...and that is how I feel right now... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
11:55 am	Analyze this... I don't have that much time to update this morning...in about 45 minutes I have to be at work for "Phase 2" of our wine classes..woo hoo...I love to be all liquored up at noon and then have to be at work again at 3:30...what are they thinking? Oh well... But I had an eventful day yesterday...my grandpa is in the hospital again...he has diabetes, prostate cancer, and now we think the early onset of alzheimers...he looked not even remotely alive...my heart almost felt like collapsing in on itself...I hate seeing strong people deminished to such a state... Then I came home...called Jill...had a very mature conversation with her surprisingly...it was agreed that whatever we had was over...she wanted more than I was willing to give and this time...and she is not in a "healthy mental state" to even be in a relationship....so it is done...I feel relieved....I was not all that into what we had...it went way too fast emotionally for her...and all I wanted was to be alone when I saw her last thur... I need my space in the beginning...I have respect for my friends and I will not be the lil' bar ho in front of them...besides..I came there to see Michelle sing..not to get molested... Hmmm...car news...I gave my dad my "budget plan and goal list" yesterday...he decided that a used car would be a waste of my money and that leasing/ buying a new car was the better idea...woo hoo...now here we are back to the question of when....at least now he has everything he needs to work with and can price out cars better....I can't wait! I need to have car...I need a second job...and I need to be in school....and I think he is finally willing to go my route on this....*cross your fingers* well...time to hit the shower and get ready for this class...it is almost turkey day..the day the white man lied to my ancesters...lured them in..took their food..then their land...what are you thankful for....:) (Comment on this)
Monday, November 11th, 2002
12:10 pm	coffee and cigarrettes... I have no real motivation to update other than the fact that I really have nothing better to do until I have to leave for work in a few hours...Life to me seems so uneventful at the moment...I lack the drive to write...I feel like being silent...calm...relaxed...and sadly that is my most uninspired time... but do not confuse silence for complacencey...I do have a great deal of shit on my mind at the moment..I have been on ready alert since Wed for a good friend of mine that just put herself into a really really shitty situation...but for a good reason...she is finally getting away from her own drama and pain but has to deal with the consequences of all that first...and that scares me...no one should ever be afraid to walk away from a relationship.. no one should ever feel the fear she feels in going home...that pisses me off that she feels like that and there is absolutely nothing I can do for her other than wait for her to call...I hate feeling helpless...esp when it comes to the people I love and care about...but sometimes I know we have to walk through our own shit if we are to ever learn from it... Then there is the roomate issue here...always a pain in the ass...but not worth the time and effort today...If only we could find someone else to move in with us...:) Ahhh well....this is enough of a post for Nov. I think...just kiddin beebo...I will promise to write more eventually...maybe it is winter depression sneaking up on me...I am getting that feeling of hybernation and nesting...I don't want to go out at all...and I really have lost touch with everyone that I care about....and that is shit-tay... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
1:50 pm	the skeletal remains I hate updating when I am pissed off...but that is usually when the ideas flow..when the need for communication far exceeds my need for protection and restraint..I feel like the goddamn grease that now covers the bottom of my shoe from too many nights of working at Carrabba's...I feel like shit...and I am beginning to learn that people see me as such... an easy target to poke tiny pink pricks of pain into and then freely walk away unaffected.. this is my new reality...am I not human to them...true most people will never see me cry or ever communicate to them in a fashion where they will ever understand the depths of how they hurt me...I just can't allow myself to do that ever...that is the one thing they can never take away from me...and sadly it is the one thing that hurts me the most to keep inside... Today I am a skeleton..I have no idea where the rest of me has gone..slowly people have bitten off pieces of me and now I feel worn down...cold chills radiate through me...and I am pissed off to no end that I allowed this to happen to me...I trusted people..not too much, but enough for them to make me feel this way...and as I accept this notion the last layer sheds off... Grandpa...you sexist ass..unloving source of part of my blood...once again you have reminded me of how much I dissappoint you...and I don't have the balls to look you in the eye and return the favor.. you still find a way to intimidate me into a silence that only our family can..I want to scream out fuck you...I am not a worthless piece of shit that occupies the space at family events...I too have done some remarkable things in my short life that I still for some fucked up reason want you to be proud of me for...and you can't..you refuse to ever be...you just put me down day after day and wait for Peter or someone else to do the same damn things and you shower them with pride and love and gifts and smile when you can see my heart deflating in my eyes as I choke back tears...I am sorry that I can't be the girl you want me to be...I tried..I thought the Army would make you proud...I thought wrong...I can never live up to your expectations of me...and I really don't ever want to..I just want your love and your acceptance and for one small second in my life I want to see your eyes light up when I do something... Dad...your silence speaks volumes to me...that was your gift to me all my life...I have hid behind it when I am scared and I have learned so much about who I am in those silences and about everyone else as I observe people chatting away in the distance...why couldn't you have opened your mouth to say I love you...why couldn't you hug me with tears in your eyes when I left for the Army...how could you save all that for Peter...why is he so special to you and I am this utter dissappointment...I know that I am not the daughter you may have wanted or expected...but I am here...doing the best that I can do with who I am...trying to find my happiness and trying to at all times be the best person that I can be...and that will never be enough for you to come out of your shell...I don't want to be you...but I am...in so many ways that scare me...I don't want to shut people out...I want to be able to let others see me and see this pain...but the more you hide your own the more I close up...I am afraid to let you hurt me...to here you honestly say that you don't like who I am that at times you don't love me...I could never live with that knowledge and so I accept the silence as a safety net...I believe in family...I don't knwo why sometimes but I love you...no matter what and I wish for one damn second in your life you could wipe away all these tears and protect me.... and as for you sarah...these tears will never ever be for you...I thought your were someone else...that no matter what you would be straight up with me and tell me what you wanted or didn't want...fuck you for being afraid to be honest with me and for hurting me this way.. whatever you and Scott have going on I hope you two are happy in your lil' drama esc worlds where you can dick people around and manipulate them unitl something better comes along.. all you had to say was "I don't things are working out..." that would have been enough...we were not together exclusively...but at the same time you know that I don't take sex lightly.. you went out to try and find a backup way out..you did so with scott's help and above all with one of scotts good friends...nice touch...and you still don't have the balls to call me and tell me...I have to hear about this from scott...a boy that I you know I can't trust a friggen peep of what comes out of his mouth...it was you that snuck into my house early sunday morning to make love to me and that same night you come over to hang out with scott...go the ceasars alone with him...and spend the night hooking up with anita..open your fucking eyes and try to understand how much that would piss off anyone with honest feelings and a beating heart...you are not the girl that I thought you were.. and I feel justified now for not opening up to you as much as you would have liked...for some reason I didn't feel 100% comfortable and you were not interested in me enough obviously to try and wait it out...so in that respect I am ok...you have always been free to do whatever you wanted...I know that...but you also had the responsibility to my feelings to be honest with me and you were not... I could go on and on...yesterday was one set back emotionally after another...and I am drained...I am amazed that I can still cry...that there are any tears left...but they keep coming...the are for my family...the ones that can hurt me the most...not for you sarah or scott or natalie...etc...you are side shows of my emotions...you do not deserve the smallest of reactions from me anymore...but you still hurt me... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 4th, 2002
12:46 pm	rockin some black 'n milds..:) So yeah...I haven't really posted anything here in awhile..for once it was not because I had nothing to say...it was more along the lines of I was getting sick of saying the same shit over and over again...but after last nights adventure I thought I would have a lil' mini post today.. dot dot dot THE BAR... last night I went out with my roomate Scott to meet up with Michelle at the dyke bar for a few beers and entertainment...we played some lousy ass pool...drank a lil..then drank some more...we chit chatted with Jen and Amy (I think that was her name??) who works at this salon where I used to get my hair cut and where Michelle was last infected with a mullet like dew...lol...really she was....anyhoo out of the corner of my eye I catch Natalie walking in..with Krissey in tow and Jaca bringing up the rear...ahhh my 3 favorite people in the whole wide world...*dripping sarcasm for those unfamiliar with this situation* I instantly become agitated...I have not seen any of them since the night they all came over to my apt to bitch me out...So being the intelligent girl that I am I decide to have a good time regardless of the fact that they were on the other side of the bar and put back quite a few more drinks to reach this state of calm and tolerance..*note to self: not a good idea* I managed to avoid them for the most part all night..my roomate is still friends with them so he did cross over to the dark side for awhile and that did piss the shit out of me...he knows how I feel...I don't care if they are still friends..that in and of itself does not bother me...what does is that I know that they came up to him trying to get my attention and to piss me off...like "haha he is our friend now" sort of moment...I wish he could have talked to them out of my sight you know...it honestly hurts to have that happen right in front of you and be left sort of just standing there with no where to go to not be near them... So yeah...mini post ..... to sum things up...no confrontation occurred between all of us.. I drank way too much and now my head and stomach feel like they have been run over by a semi...some random dumb fuck of a dyke got thrown out for attempting to roll a black n mild with god knows what right in front of an undercover...then off to bed I went...and now off to work I go...for an exciting 8-9 hour shift as a cocktail whore on a friday night at a brand spankin new restaurant...woo hoo...no rest for the wicked... p.s. michelle...if you need to talk about that situation with earth spirit call me later on cause I know that we really didn't have the best of opportunities to chat last night with all the shit that went down.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 16th, 2002
12:43 pm	The joy of birf-days Awww yeah..I am officially 1 year older..the big bad 23..lookout medicare..I'll be knockin soon! So yeah..the birthday was good...I had a small (really really small) moment at my parents house in the morning...I opened my card and gift alone while I watched my family run about the house doing their own things...Then I left to go have a late lunch with Monica at Ralphies...ate a wonderful salad and some appetizer...had a really nice talk...then I was off to quickly spruce up the apt for company later...My roomate Scott trimmed up my hair a bit and I have to say he did a fantastic job and then I was off to the showers to try to look as cute and older as possible before everyone started to arrive...lol Michelle and Angel were the first of the guests to make an appearance..and I am so glad they were the first..we jammed to Ani and sat out on the porch and just talked which made my night because it has been sooooo long since Michelle and I have done that...big smiles for that! Then Baker and her new lil friend Katie arrived...speechless...the girl drove an hour and half on 5 hours notice to spend some time with me...awesome...I needed her there..she has always been a great support to me no matter what...and she did not let me down last night at all...her new girl seems nice...she has a ferocious hand shake though...very strong...yeah.. who needs working hand muscles anyways right..lol Angela eventually awoke from her siesta and made an appearance too...apprantly Scott and her had been plotting a lil surprise birthday cake idea and it went off without a hitch...I can honestly say that never in a million years did I expect to get a "Happy Birthday Dyke" cake... Thankfully Sarah finally showed up around 10ish...I was beginning to get a lil weary eyed in anticipation...my fault..poor communication on timing..opps...but yeah..she finally arrived and my knees went weak of course...I am not nervous around most people that I am interested in after the initial kiss...but not in this case..I have constant butterflies and uncertainties when I am with her...I just do not know how to be around her yet...I just really don't know what she wants from me...and that is odd...I am still feeling this middle of the fence feeling between the idea of a relationship and the concept of friendship...I guess In my old age I just need more clarifications...or perhaps I am just plane blind because everyone else seems to know what is going on between the two of us (mainly Scott)..he just instigates moments..and not that I am complaining about everything that happened between us last night....believe me it was damn good..I just wish it was more of on our own terms...and that Scott was not plotting to get us alone and what not...that just makes me more nervous and put on the spot you know...oh well....I am sure I will talk to her soon about all of this so I will leave it at that.. That was my birfday in a nutshell...wild and crazy good times...who can complain about that..I was with the people I wanted to be with and I had a great time...what more could an elderly woman ask for...:) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 13th, 2002
4:29 pm	Sweet Baby It's about that time of year again...woo hoo...birthdays! So I am turning the big and uneventful 23 on Sunday...and I can honestly say that I am not all that excited about it.. Last years birthday was overshadowed by Sept 11th as will this one..not as much though this year...I don't have to worry about shipping off overseas anymore...and most of my friends that did are home safe and sound which is a relief...but I still carry with me in the back of my pocket the lessons of Sept 11th... life is short..cherish what you have and live fully each day with no regret...and I am really trying to live all of those to the fullest...but it is especially hard right now...those that 3 weeks ago I would have said were some of my closest friends are no longer really even my friends...They chose to betray my trusts and to betray me as a human being by what they did... Intellectually I know that I should not have those people in my life...that if they were truly my friends they never would have inflicted so much pain on me...but in my heart it is almost impossible to let go of them...well one in particular...most of the others I have dealt with already and I don't believe that those will continue to be a part of my life or my friendships...and I am ok with that...they were never all that close to me...It is just trying to understand the ones that really matter that is driving me insane...especially now..with my birthday days away and reliving sept 11th....I just don't want to be petty..I want to get past all this bullshit if we can...I am a fixer...I need for everything to be ok....for there to be a sense of calm again...So I can sleep peacefully..without constantly worrying about everything...second guessing all of my friendships...that kind of bullshit.. Oh well...enough of that...happy thoughts...happy thoughts.... hmmm well...umm... I start working again next week....(is that really a happy thought)... which is nice..I need to get out of my apt..I need to be distracted and of course I NEED MONEY! I was almost ready to get in line for the soup kitchens...I can't wait...I begin a new life of cocktail waitressing and carport services which will hopefully get me back on my feet and back on track with my life and my plans.. Things are progressing nicely with my new found friendship/ maybe more relationship with Sarah...she is fantastic...funny...sincere...and stunningly beautiful...It is just a little strange at times...with all the shit that happened with her and Wallace and with Wallace and I...it just feels like we are working backwords at times...I don't know how to approach her onthe issue..if it is too soon, I don't want to scare her away...I don't know...girls.. they scare me at times...make me get all nervous and quiet..(well more quiet than I already am) (Comment on this)
Friday, September 6th, 2002
4:04 pm	These foolish games... Ughh..I am so disgusted right now..I was hoping that in a few days everything would have worked itself out by now...now I really just want it all to end...Some people just do not value the concept of friendship...the concept of compassion...decency...respect...and above all HONESTY. This is what happened to me this past tues night...it was a regular night except for the fact that it was Wallace's last night in town and we had all gathered here for proper send off...*background info* nat had called earlier that day to get coffee..but I had plans with others so we kept pushing back coffee...finally she calls me around 9ish to see if I wanted to go then..I told her we were having a gathering for wallace and that she was welcome to come over and we would do coffee later...she called back and said she would stop over to say hello and then be off cause she was taking Jaca back home..I begrudgingly agreed inspite of the anger I have towards Jaca...just to see nat for a few minutes... So there we were all out on our porch smoking and taking...when Nat, Krissy, and Jaca arrive and I could just sense something was up because Scott started acting all weird (side note..he knew this was all planned out) nat would not look at me...and then Jaca stands up and is like.."don't I get a hug" or some shit...so I stood up and she whispers into my ear..I know all about your shit you are such a fucking bitch...blah blah blah...of course I step back and am like what the fuck....jaca and I walk into the living room to "talk" and nat comes right in behined her...I turn to her and ask her if she is a part of all this shit...she smiles this goddamn skin scrawling smile and says yeah...we need to talk..lets go in your room...as soon as the door shuts I have the 2 of them bitchin at me declaring that i have soem sort of evil relationship pattern and that I was dicking over Jaca the same way that i did to Nat...lol what a goddamn joke..I admit that I hurt nat and that yes at that time I was the worst person that you would ever want to date...fine...that was the past for christs sake...you cannot judge every little thing about our relationship and twist it to somehow fit into why Jaca and I did not work out...apples and fucking motor oil is the best comparrison I can think of...So yeah..they are telling me that this is my moment to "own up to all of my shit"...again..wtf..how can you explain 2 seperate relationships especially when they do not involve each other...why is it either one of their business how I treated so and so...whether it ended a year and a half ago or 5 months ago... Anyhoo...at some point nat left the room..and I was left to deal with Jaca..of all people..that girl had shit to say to me..we had already talked and talked and talked our relationship to death already...I told her straight up I needed time to be friends with her again..I gave her the respect of my honesty...she chose to ignore it and bitch about every moment that I was short with her and did not want to talk to her in those 5 months..boo fuckin hoo..not my problem..if she thought that I was being such an ass that whole time..why did she even bother..that was her choice...she is pissed off because she cannot understand the concept of over...of space...why should I feel bad about that...I DON'T...bottom line.. In the mean time boys and girls...Nat is out on the porch opening up every petty..unneccessary issue with all of the people out there...telling them I talk shit about them and that I am this evil person...(mind you she was friends with this evil girl up until the night before when Jaca came over and the 2 of them chatted like a bunch of junior high girls ready to attack)...So now I have wallace yelling at me for supposidly stealing sarah right out from under her..bullshit...she was using her while she was home and then was going to cut her off when she shipped off to the navy..she told me flat out to go for her if I liked her..that there was nothing between them...Even in all of that I would never have made any move on this girl...even after wallace left...that is respect and friendship..besides...I just met her...wallace had no business even getting a hint of pissed at me..we had talked about sarah that afternoon...and she was ok...but as soon as the angry trio arrives she becomes the biggest damn drama queen... Ahh...this is never ending and it is making me so pissed to write all of this...Scott...again of all people...he knew about this..he did not say a damn thing to warn me..he did not stick up for me...he left...like a guilty piece of shit..he left them to attack me and then to come back and attack me as well...as if he had just found out about something..he had talked to nat and krissy the night before..nat spilled all this alleged back talking that I said about him then..why did he not talk to me that night..the next morning..etc...no..he waited ...and made me feel like shit for nothing....then he tries to play like a friend and talk all of this out with me when everyone left...all of the shit he was pissed about was from when we first moved in...and it was no big deal...and here he was giving me a lecture that night on how he always confronts the person that pisses him off...that he does not go to others to vent about it...bullshit..he had been bitching to ryan and nat..and god knows who else for how long about a stupid ass issue that could have been resolved in 30 seconds had I known he mistook what I said one night 4 months ago...thanks for your friendship...thank you for reminding me why I called you immature.. Blah Blah...this is not even half time in the night...but I am too pissed to finish this...I will give this one more journal entry..and that is all...It is sooo goddamn pety and stupid it does not even deserve one...but they choose to make it into a production..to attack me...perhaps they all should have taken a moment to look inside themselves and make sure their assholes were clean before they decided to rip me a new one...every damn on eof them is a walking contradiction...fuck you for trying to "help me" to get my shit in order..when yours is just as fucked as mine if not more...bottom line.. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 26th, 2002
3:36 am	I miss my bed.... Well these last few days have been interesting...Wallace is back in town for the next couple of weeks...and if our patterns continue..I may not sleep until she leaves...We all went out to Bretz last night and then her sudo/wanna be gf lost her car keys somewhere so we had to drive all around town until the sun came up to find them...I got maybe 2 winks of sleep by the time that I came home before my lil bro called and made me go back home for the morning...By the time I got back to my apt there really was no point in sleeping unless I really wanted to look like a lazy bum...so I got out of my bed and cleaned the whole apt in my pajamas..taking a few breaks here and there to watch the discovery medical channel... and then the phone started ringing...Natalie wanted everyone to come over to kill the keg that her boss gave her....and then Wallace invited me out for a heart to heart over coffee at Maxwells...so of course I took up Wallace's offer because she is only in town for a short time and I can see Nat any time I want so...sadly we never made it out to coffee though..instead we went to Caesers to see her friend perform... 2 bar nights in a row is a killer sometimes...I am exhausted...but it was fun..I kind of like hanging out with her sudo gf..she is really nice but sadly she does not comprehend the concept of Wallace leaving and that Wallace and long distance never work out...so we shall see how that one pans out... So here I sit at my parents house at 4am typing away...sadly I have to spend the night here so I can take my brother to his drill practice in the morning...but after 9am ...it is sleepy nigh nigh for me! Damnit..I will sleep all damn day if I friggen choose to do so...my body needs rest! I don't know how I will survive otherwise...Besides I need my rest now that Liz and Baker are both coming back into town..plus Wallace...God knows there is no rest in my schedule this week... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 24th, 2002
5:42 pm	Would you like a souffle?? Amen .. Praise Jesus! I have found a job!...Finally after all that shit I went through this week...interviews up the ass..pop quizes from hell...I am now a proud member of the Carraba's family...I am the front room cocktail waitress on the weekends (lol..cock tail...who came up with that name huh) and the carry-out chick during the week..woo hoo...full time..benefits...7$ hour plus tips...and the people seem so nice...I can breathe again...NO FOOD STAMPS FOR ME! Well that is all folks...I am off to family fun time here...and then to celebrate at the bar tonight...Finally! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 23rd, 2002
6:02 pm	you're in my heart Wallace is coming home tomorrow afternoon for 12 days of Navy leave after finally graduating from her A school training in Florida...this excites me tremendously.. I need that girl right about now...everything is plastic like...fake phony..obtrusive..in my life..I feel so detached again...I think I am slowly slipping into some state of delayed depression...loss of job..unrequited love finally realized...finances burning holes in my pocket that I can't even begin to keep up with...and yet still..no light at the end of the tunnel..I just had an hour and a half interview/ SAT like qualifying interview for this resaurant job...now seriously..is all that really necessary...a personality test that involved over 100 ?'s including "what is my favorite color"...2 pages of math calculations that boggled my brain because I haven't dealt with actual math in a long long time...and then 2 seperate interviews and one more tomorrow afternoon...Hell I didn't even go through 1/2 of all that when I joined the Army..(note to self:that is a scary thought)..I just hope that it pans out...I just want one goddamn thing in my life to fall into place...just one.. So after my interview I returned the car to my mother and she took me down to Whitehouse to pick up her "pottery like shtuff" at the Caruth store...she made my brothers and I each a christmas ornament and then one for Axel as well..Kind of made me get a lil' choked up..you see I am not all that used to this side of my mom...She has changed alot since I moved out.. kind of reminds me of when I shipped off to boot camp for 6 months...she was incredible..she wrote me everyday...always said I love you on the phone and she just always had a way to cheer me up and keep me going when all I really wanted to do was give up...She has been so supportive of me lately and sometimes it scares me...I don't know why really... I mean this is all I ever wanted from her and now I have it in a way...and I am scared..I am just waiting for her to slip back into her old motherly ways...so as much as I want to tear down all the walls between the two of us..I am reluctant to at the same time out of fear of the power she would then have over my heart....how sad is that.. In other news...It is almost that time again...9/11...sadly I think that my birthday will always be a reminder of that...a dark cloud so to speak...Many of my army buds have returned from their calls to duty overseas and state side...several still have not...But until they do..they will be in my constant daily prayers for their safe return as well as those who have lost loved ones...It is amazing to me how quickly we have let go of what happened so to speak...and that scares me...everyone has continued on with their daily routines as if everything is over...sadly I still believe that it is just the beginning.. 9/11 was a warning...not the end all...and I think we owe it to everyone that has died during this horrific ordeal and to those who are still fighting for justice not to forget..not to be complacent and self centered... Hmm..I don't know where all that came from...maybe I am just tired...rainy day blues..who knows..maybe a nap will do me some good... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
2:03 pm	Can you fix my soul So last night we all went out to the MudHens game for pooch night...Ryan, Scott, Angela, Nick, Andy, Larry, Lance, and Monica...yes..Monica...thankfully she decided to take a chance and hang out with me last night and have Ryan be present..you see...the two of them have not had the best relationship in the past so...but they finally tore down a few walls and chatted last night which was nice to see...They used to be so close...and then shit happened and their friendship sort of faded out overnight...but I knew that they both missed each other a great deal they were both just too stubborn to take the first step.. Hopefully everything will be ok...that they can work through their issues with eachother and bring out that happiness that they once did for each other... In other news: My mom has signed me up to take this 3 work state certified nursing assistant type class....I still don't know how to feel about that...I hate settling..especially for something that I have no desire to be..why waste the time taking training courses for something that makes me feel like I am giving up on my dreams...The only plus in this course is that I can certify as a paramedic a lil quicker once I take it..Even that is settling a little bit...but I think I would be happy working as a paramedic by night...taking classes during the day so I can finally complete my criminal justice degree sometime in the near future..I don't know...all I know is that with each passing day I feel as if another lil piece of my soul is dying..shedding off of me like old skin and I am feeling extremely vulnerable..and extremely scarred at the moment... (Comment on this)
Monday, August 19th, 2002
7:29 pm	crack the mirror What can I say...I feel so alive today...content even...I had such an amazing weekend with Baker..we hit all the bars...made a random stop at the adult book store to buy some toys for her...and just had fun...It was the old Baker...the one that I hadn't seen since we left Missouri...now that she is finally done with Robyn she is so much more alive..and entertaining and just the same Baker that I knew and loved in B.T. What can I say..I missed that girl alot...and I really needed her to be with me this weekend..She made me smile..she was there with a conforting pat on the back during moments of sadness...she was just amazing... Her visit did throw my body completely out of whack though...late nights at the bars...lots and lots of drinking...post bar conversations till the sun came up....my body is still dragging a bit..but it was well worth it...I think everyone had a good time...some she already knew, others she met for the first time..all seemed to enjoy her company...hopefully she can make a trip back out here soon....after all she did sort of "borrow' (aka steal) one of Scott's baby blue sweaters so....:) Well I am off..with this random thought of the evening...why is it that bible thumpers are starting to hang out outside of the bars..."jesus loves you" ..well no shit...thanks...I just don't understand.. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 17th, 2002
3:53 pm	Bring me some water... Have you ever felt that ever present feeling of having concrete blocks resting on your chest..that heavy - can't breathe sort of feeling...well...that is how I feel at the moment...that and a hint of jackass intermixed... So I had that talk with N the last night..well sort of half talked because she was at work and then her cell phone died..but the point was made and it was made with such an intense force that I am still feeling stunned...there is no chance for us..not a glimpse of hope...I fucked up way too much the first time that we were together that she basically made it clear that she is too scared to even attempt a second chance...I can't believe that I could have even thought that she would...this whole time I have been in the frame of mind that we had a fresh start...what I did to her in the past was never at the forefront of my thoughts until she brought it up...and that is an issue I have...I can block out negative memories and emotions ...I can always build up another wall to protect me from what I have done or from what others have done to me...and that is what I did with her...So here is my confessional so to speak..in case for some reason I forget what I complete asshole I can be... We met on a random night at Blu Jeans...I fell head over heels in love so to speak with her...she has the most radiating smile..and energy..and this compassionate personality that just completely over took me...and after a few weeks of being with her I just got scared..completely terrified to be completely honest...Never ever in my life had anyone ever accepted me at face value..who was willing to stand by me no matter what and share with me every once of love inside of her...She was completely honest with me and all I could do to protect my heart was to lie to her...and as she put it so nicely last night..I treated her like a goddamn doormat...I closed up with out warning..I shut her out of everything in my life...my friends..my fears...I just could not give her a chance...I was afraid of her...I was afraid that I might open up my heart and soul to her and that she would just pick up and leave with it...and so I unconsciously began to push her away...I started talking to another girl...even kissed her a couple times..but nothing more..but I still kept it a secret for some reason...even though I half wanted N to find out and throw me out of her life because I didn't have the balls or the common decency to tell her that I was scared..Then she found out about that girl..and I still tried to hide behind some other lie...Then liz came back into town and I knew that I was not totally over her yet as we all are with that first love...so I ignored N for the week that Liz was in town..only speaking with her when I wanted her to get some pot for Liz and I...I can sadly admit that I didn't feel any remorse or any sort of feeling while I was doing all that to her...I can be a cold and heartless bitch if I am scared and shut down emotionally... And I know that there is nothing that I can ever say to her to take away any of the pain that I intentionally inflicted on her...there is no excuse...no one could ever understand that unless they have lived inside my head and know how I react to fear and love...Because the honest to gods truth of the matter is that I did everyone of those fucked up things to her because I was falling in love with her...how ass back wards is that...that scares me to think that I can do that to someone that I love...that I am soo fucking afraid of someone saying that they love me...somewhere inside of me I honestly don't feel I deserve that...at that particular time in my life I felt broken...I felt pathetic...my dreams of being in the military crushed...I was forced to come back home a loser...I was so disconnected from myself and from all of my friends...I was just not in any place or mind frame to fall in love...and yet I was...and all I could think about was what went wrong with my relationship with liz and how the same thing might happen again and I knew that I didn't have the strength to take that one more time...I am a selfish self centered asshole..bottom line.. I did this to myself...and I don't think that there is anything more painful than trying to swallow that realization...Admitting to myself that I am the reason that N cannot be with me again...not the fact that she has a gf...she is still burned by what I did and cannot trust me enough now..even though I am not that same girl anymore to even consider the chance of us together again...who can blame her...I am still amazed that she wants to talk to me now...i just wish that there was some way that I could take back what I did or at least begin to make up for all the pain that I caused her...but I doubt that there is anything I can do... So here I sit...I haven't slept much since Wed night...I can't stop crying...because I know that I lost her for good...and that it was all my fault...and I can't believe that I was naive enough to even complain because I thought that she was toying around with me...I wish that I could be less self centered when it comes to my emotions...so that I can see life through their eyes...but I guess it is my time to feel all the pain that I caused her since I have been numb to it ever since... All in all our talk..however painful it was to sit through...was a good talk...it was something that I know was needed to be said...I don't want to be that girl anymore..and I have been trying so hard to break down all of my walls....and sometimes I forget about that old girl and I really just expect people to see me for who I am now..but that is something that I have to understand is hard for them to do especially after all the shit I put them through in the past... *alright...enough wallowing for now* I need to get up and clean a bit before an old army bud of mine gets into town...thank god she is coming..I need a distraction from my thoughts right about now... (Comment on this)
Friday, August 16th, 2002
7:30 am	a lil flashback for you... Wow...this is entirely too weird for me...Since I borrowed my moms car last night to go to the bar I had to in exchange wake up at 5am to bring it back to her so that she could get to work.. However..she decides to let me drive so that I can pick up my lil bro from school today and have a car to go job hunting.. on any other day this would be splendid...but lil ole me decided to drown out a few too many sorrows last night and got shit faced at the bar...still felt a lil drunk this morning when I awoke...and then I had to fake a long nights sleep and drive my mom to work because she had a "hint of a headache" *what the fuck is a hint of a headache?* So yeah...at this very moment I am sitting in my parents home..typing away with my sleepy eyes...waiting for my brother to come out of hybernation so i can take him to school and then take my sorry ass back to bed....ahh the memories..so many journal entries just like this...I will never ever have a job that I need to be up at 5 am...I just don't think I could do it... But yeah...back to last night...it was a good night...Michelle was out with her most entertaining friend ....and ex Pier One girl...lol....Carley and her baby's momma were at the bar..as well as several other old school bar girls so it was nice...My roomate Scott made friends with this spooky lady that was hiding in the corner of the bar all night...and Angela brought along a target buddy of hers that just happens to be a senior right now at NDA..WOO HOO for Notre Dykes! It was fun to reminisce with her all night about that hell hole ruled by stick weilding...skirt measuring nuns... N was out last night too...and of course I didn't get up the balls to tell her that I am sick of her Jekyll and Hyde routine with my heart last night until about 2 minutes before her gf showed up to check in on her...So needless to say we still need to have a talk...but I am pumped up and ready for it..I am too tired and too moody not to be at this point ...Besides..I know that things just need to be said..bottom line.. Well I can hear a hint of grumbling in Steve's room so I should probally get off of here so I can whisk him off to school here shortly...Oh the joy! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 15th, 2002
12:29 pm	I need to purge! Sometimes I just feel like a balloon full of shit ready to explode..I have this nice lil bad habit of storing up my feelings...mainly negative ones..(hence the balloon full of shit).. and waiting to the point where I just can't stuff anything else inside..then I rupture and feel this complete feeling of emptiness...Right now I am at the brink.. Life is so unsatisfying to me right now...I still don't have a job...I am getting restless sitting here all damn day feeling like a useless piece of shit...I have cramps equivalent to labor pains that are not letting up...which means off to the fun filled female doc for me to get checked out for my families hereditary fibroid tumors...woo hoo! As if having osteopenia was just not enough for my body...and the true kicker of all kickers...falling for the unavailable... Here is the scoop: I met this girl right after I came home from the Army..we hit it off right away and she was just such an amazing person to be around...however...sadly I wasn't in the most stable mind set emotionally when i came home and that really bit into our relationship..I was insecure..confused...just all around unhappy and feeling out of place with all my friends here so...I ended up sort of sabotaging the relationship and we ended on a really really bad note...so bad that we really didn't speak at all for about a year.. Then out of the blue I see her at blu jeans again one night...she was so beautiful and looked soo happy...(she had her own demons she was dealing with at the time of our relationship as well)...we talked again...and slowly we started hanging out again...as we talked she told me about all the shit that I did to her..that I honestly don't remember..some I do...but...now I really feel like an ass...I can't believe that I purposely did those things to her so she would hate me...But yeah..fast forward...we both have grown up alot...I have been dealing with alot of shit in my past that I have been ignoring all my life..trying to find out why I intentionally try to fuck up the relationships that I am most happy in..fear of commitment maybe..lol I actually think that we might have had a chance at reconciling and maybe trying out a relationship again....if only she were single...She is with another ex of hers...one that really treats her like shit at times...I know that she is unhappy and somewhat stuck in it financially and a lil bit out of fear....I know that if she were truly happy and committed to this girl I would have backed off a long time ago...at least I hope I would have the decency to do that....but I am 100% in love with her...and it hurts to be near her...it hurts to be so damn jealous of her gf who doesn't have the kind of character that is worth being jealous of...It hurts to be with her alone and just want to reach out and hold her and kiss her...but knowing that those kind of honest moments only happen when we have both been drinking...I just don't know... A part of me thinks that I need to back off completely...that my heart is getting torn apart into pieces over someone who is not willing to give me everything that I would give her...I am scared to back down though...I left her once and I will never forgive myself for that...and I want to prove to her that I am not going to run from her this time...She always manages to pull me back in every time that I am ready to tell her that I can't take being like this anymore...a lil smile and I am trapped..helpless...pathetic even...Now I am even sick of typing all that mumbled up thinking...it just angers me sometimes...she tells me all this shit about her gf..and all that we could be together...and then when she is with her gf she tends to call me and tell me all this shit that they are planning on doing...I can't take the mixed signals anymore...I wish I had the strength to just walk away... I thought that that would be it...the pin in my balloon...but I still feel like shit right now.. Fuck this hormonal imbalance that is making me think on overdrive this week...I just want to feel numb... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 12th, 2002
1:08 pm	Massive Blur This past week has flown by sadly...Why is it that when one is actually employed and working 40+ hours a week..time drags on..but as soon as you loose a job..and you need every moment to count to sustain you through impending poverty...a week goes by in a blink...more bills due...ahhh..Thank god for the back up cash I put aside just in case this would happen..although I was really hoping that it would be my new car fund..oh well.. Hopefully one of the 17 jobs that I applied for in this last week will pan out so I can finally get a good nights sleep... In other news..seaman recruit angela wallace will be putting down anchor here in town in a few weeks...Sadly this is only a quick visit (12 days) before she plants roots in Ft Meade Maryland...I am excited for her...she is close enough to still visit and at least she is getting the job that she signed up to get (a rarity in military service)..I miss her alot sometimes..she just has a way about her that makes you smile...and boy can that girl tell a story...you just can't compete... And for those dykes that are fans of power tools...pull a chair up and sit up straight...my mission today..well other than apply to be a hooker (cause that is just about the only thing I haven't applied to be yet) is to attach out brand spankin new toilet seat that we bought at Urban Outfitters...I can't wait to toss out the one that came with the apt...it was wood and it was aesthetically nauseating...so yeah...now we have an entertaining white seat with a story to read on the proper hygiene for the bathroom written on the underside of the lid...what more could you ask for on those drunken nights as you are praying for dear life to the porcelain goddess...now you also have a story to read while you are there waiting...ingenious I tell you....but alas...back to the power tools...Now I know that this whole "remodeling project" probally only requires the use of a screw driver and what not...but is that really any fun??? Hell no...One must be creative and spice up this rather unexciting chore with some power tools....Wish me luck that I don't go knocking down the bathroom walls....*wicked grin* Well...my songs are almost downloaded...Sadly i still can't find the remix/club version of "I wanna fuck you like an animal" that I always here at Wall St in Columbus...all help is greatly appreciated... time to roll up me sleeves and get dirty.....grrroowww! (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 8th, 2002
5:41 pm	I'm back...with avengeance! Well well...I never thought that I would ever type another word on this page...BUT..I have spent the past week of my new found unemployment reading all my friends journals again..and I thought to myself.."what the hell tiger...give it another whirl" (yes...I now talk to myself...but at least I have an alternate name cause I am not that psycho or conceded) So yeah...I no longer am a seller of nasty old porn from the 1980's...The video store that I managed for the last year or so has gone bankrupt due to the complete lack of intelligence of my boss who believes in the philosophy that you really don't have to ever pay your bills...So sad...that job was cake...not the product...just being able to chill and watch dvd's all day and get paid to occasionally keep a straight face while some highly embarrassed gentleman in a suit rents "comeback Pussy 23" for the 26th time...A day never went by that I didn't come home with some entertaining story to tell...But yeah...I think it is a good thing that the store closed...It was never meant to be a longterm kind of thing..just a temporary hold me over until I got my life back on track..back in school...out into the real job world you know...but it was too comfortable so I just stayed and let another year of my life slide by..NO MORE I DECLARE! Here is my New Year's Resolution for next year...I will be back in school...I will be financially stable and not living paycheck to paycheck for my rent...I will have a car damnit...and no public transportation does not count...hehe Hmmm...what other insights can I through in since I haven't written in months...I know live on my own..I have two wonderful roomates...my best friend Ryan and our friend scott...It is the house of homo's...I love living with 2 gay boys...always a source of entertainment and a free source of fashion advice...what more could a lil sporty dyke ask for...well..hmmm... another sporty dyke companion would be nice...Speaking of which...my love life has been all fucked up lately...I am head over heels in love with an ex of mine who I have recently gotten back in touch with...However...a brief relationship when I got home from the Army was not the best and of course there is a reluctance to go down those roads again...plus...the real kicker in my ass...she is back together with her ex gf that she was with before her and I dated...A completely shitty and hopeless situation for me I know... I am sure that will be the focus of my journals later on so i will leave you with that.. In other ex gf news...my first girl I really feel in love with ..Liz...is coming back into town in late August..woo hoo..always fun hanging out with someone that now lives in NYC and thinks that she is slummin it when she comes back to Toledo...I can't wait let me tell you... It is amazing how much people can change so drastically...it makes you second guess why you ever fell for them in the first place...learning block I suppose.. Well...me older bro is back in town from Columbus tonight so I need to get going to meet up with him at the bars tonight...fun fun..Hopefully if all goes well for my roommates modeling younger brother...we should be taking a road trip out to NYC tomorrow for the weekend.. now that will be something to write about in my next entry... (1 Comment |Comment on this)